Hello everyone and welcome to the Pearl Forte blog and podcast
The conversation about Monogamy started last year in a job interview in one of the clinics in Amman, the psychiatrist asked me “do you think we are born monogamous?” I can’t remember if I answered yes or no but down the line I ended up having a couple of clients that struggled with desire and passion in their marriage and were considering ending their marriage… and it got me thinking: are we really meant to mate with one person for life?
Lets quickly cover the terms that have the word “monogamy” in them: Monogamy is being with one partner and not having multiple partners at the same time, there is consensual non-monogamy which means agreeing with your partner to be with more than one partner, this could include swinging, threesomes (or more) an open relationship and polyamory..and there is the non-consensual non-monogamy which means someone is with more than one partner without the other partners consent, sometimes the partner is aware of it but hasn’t consented to it, or is unaware of their partners extra sexual activities outside the relationship agreement…. hence it is non-consensual non-monogamy.
I know that many people have been in monogamous relationships, especially couples from the older generation… but the question then escalated to “But did they want to remain together for so many decades or did they not have a choice?”
We know that relationships are difficult to maintain, if you’ve listened to my previous episodes you’ve heard me say that the average lifeline for ‘passion and desire’ in a relationship can last anywhere between 3 months to 2 years…that’s usually the time when we are fired up and completely into our partners…but what happens after that? Where does it leave desire and commitment? I believe that committing to be with one person is a decision and not a feeling, because our feelings change whereas a commitment has the intention to be honored.
Some individuals can love one individual but not be able to be with one person only, this is called non-monogamy…because the truth is Monogamy is not for everyone … . If a couple choose to be non-monogamous there needs to be an agreement between the initial couple on what non-monogamy looks like, the agreement includes what they are allowed to do physically and sexually with others, where and when they are allowed to be involved with other partners, and IF emotions can be involved or not… In monogamous relationships these agreements are never discussed or mentioned because the couple aren’t open to being with other individuals.
But let me tell you a little bit about my “aha” moment… I was telling my friend that I had a change of heart and that I don’t think we are born to be monogamous… it’s hard… and today…it’s even harder for this generation to maintain a relationship in comparison to the previous generation… and she put it simply to me by saying, “There is a difference between loving and being with one person for the rest of our life… and between loving and being with one person (one person at a time) … both are monogamy”…. and this made me realize how even I sometimes become narrow thought and limit instead of expanding my vision.
Now lets quickly branch out to reasons why individuals choose to be with or without someone…I was asked, what do you call someone who loves an individual but doesn’t want to be with them? Can they really love someone and let them go or watch them be with someone else?
I think each experience is different, sometimes individuals are not ready emotionally, financially or mentally to commit, sometimes individuals aren’t compatible intellectually, socially and so on…. and sometimes they don’t love an individual enough to choose them.
We are people in the end and we are allowed to feel unsure or scared..fear of relationships and commitments is real … But there is a difference between love and relationship/marriage.. sometimes the situation feels bigger than the individuals that it is difficult to take that step… I used to believe that if you love someone you would move mountains for them…but as I grew older I realized that I can love someone but also evaluate the impact of what being with them would be:
- Would they treat me the way I deserve to be treated?
- Would they show up maturely and honestly in the relationship?
- How would they should up for themselves before they show up for me and the relationship?
That’s my quick take on monogamy and why we chose to commit or not commit…
Podcast Link on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7GX3zw8gCYaODltZGfLEQO?si=96vw9W1_RwmQbRA979PrJw