Have you ever had a plan not go according to the plan? If you have then perhaps you can agree that sometimes it is a hard pill to swallow. 

The hard pill to swallow comes in different sizes and dozes and it’s never one uncomfortable event only it’s always at a least a few after each other ….and sometimes its a bit much for the soul to take. 

Have you ever had a relationship start out well and somehow very quickly have it crumble because you realize that there is a lot of differences? And with that realization comes a lot of fights and the next thing you know you are considering separating from that special individual? Well I have and multiple times…and reflecting back I must say there were at least a couple of main ingredients missing in those decisions:

1- decisions were made when anxiety was high and emotions weren’t processed

2- communication was low, we didn’t talk to be understood we talked for the sake of talking, mainly in self defense, this means it was a battle of who was right…its ok to justify things but its not ok to try and force the other person to agree with your reasons

3- we never looked at what mattered the most to us, we forgot our values and what we thought made us compatible, but mostly we forgot to give space for conversations where we could be ourself without judgements and have space for acceptance

This reflection was inspired from a number of events including a couple I work with that really want to make their marriage work but struggle because they also forgot the main ingredients of a good relationship

When was the last time you accepted rejection for what it is? When was the last time you met someone that you really wanted to get to know and they didn’t seem interested, and instead of walking away you held on to signs and interpretations from friends and family on what their actions and words could mean, and that somehow attached you more to the story and potential of the individual rather than the person themself?

What happens then? Breaking free from the attachment becomes THE actual heartbreak because in reality the relationship itself was really one-sided and we start to grief… here’s the thing, even though there was no relationship the grief is real and so are your feelings. What isn’t real is the reality of that person because we never got to know how they really are and what its like to really be with them in the relationship we wanted, accepting and understanding that our reality was always different from the story we invested in can be very helpful to detach…

The reality is on one hand and the story is on the other, is it hard though to accept that someone you love and wanted didn’t choose you or chose someone else? Absolutely! Its a very hard pill to swallow especially if you feel misled, but often we let ourself be misled because we know deep down that if we had to lay it out on the tablet we would walk away empty handed … so we delay the pain and try to change the reality and end up being more attached to the story.

Lets talk transparency for a minute, what does transparency look like? I don’t like hiding information in an intimate relationship, I like clarity and being thorough because information is power…but we can abuse that power when we hide information to manipulate someone but there is a limit to how long the truth can be hidden, eventually it all comes out, and the difference between being straight forward and hiding it intentionally is that you end up tangling yourself in bad energy, bad karma and your stories will not add up over time (and that never makes you looks good) there is more power in the truth than people realize, and it takes a lot of energy in hiding the truth because it will consume more of you than ever intended. 

Leveling up is painful, its a hard pill to swallow when you realize that what you want, who you want and where you want to be is not for you, but it hurts a lot more to stay attached and insist on what is not working to work than to accept the truth because wanting what and who can’t be yours is self-destruction over time. 

Podcast link: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1hezYod9H50wzytCQ6sLxr?si=BXDAzidWRzadk_i17uKeXw

I was asked by a psychiatrist in Amman to give a Sex Education talk to an all-boys school, I was very excited at first but then when the thought really sank in I wondered what I would tell a bunch of 15-year olds about sexuality… the talk never happened but it did get me wondering if I had a chance to talk to teenagers what would I talk about? 

I’d talk about consent… but the problem with this topic is that it shouldn’t be introduced to them by me…. consent and conversations around consent need to be spoken about at a very early age to both girls and boys at home…. It empowers them, it gives them rights and strengthens their voice to speak… we have difficulty in our culture talking about sex at an older age so how do we begin talking about consent to kids? ….Where do we begin?  

First of all let me begin by saying that Consent doesn’t have to be taught from a sexual perspective, it can be taught by allowing the children to choose who wants to bathe them, who wants to help them get dressed …and giving them the option to hug their relatives…instead of forcing them and expecting them to be close to individuals they don’t feel good being near

We are so governed by “3eib” that we are not given the option to decline a hug and a kiss by people we are not comfortable with at a young age or at any age…. By giving kids a choice we teach them that they have options and we teach them to think and feel for themselves … and this comes before sex education… think about it… consent isn’t just about sex, its about speaking your truth, its about communication, its teaching boundaries and expressing what feels right to you…  when we learn to talk about the small stuff comfortably we will have the courage to speak about the big stuff. 

Our system has skipped the importance of:

1- teaching children what consent is

2- giving individuals from a young age their rights (consent is a right, its a basic human right)

3- educating and raising awareness that consent can’t be taken for granted; if consent is given it can be withdrawn at any point in time without questions asked….and the request must be respected and honored.

I have noticed that women today find consent courageous… and that’s another thing… courage.

Why is courage so important? Because we are not taught to say NO… and the topic of sexuality is a huge taboo, we are not familiar with it… it creates a fear for victims to speak about assault, some of the reasons why individuals (of both genders) refuse to speak about sexual assault is fear of no one believing them… fear of being blamed for it… and worst of all fear of being punished for it… many sexual assaults happen from people we know which makes speaking about it harder.

The more we educate children and the older generation about consent and normalizing basic conversations such as the anatomy of girls and boys, the more comfortable individuals become …and what we end up doing is strengthening their voice.

When we talk about consent, we need to also include accountability, accountability means responsibility… we are responsible for what we say and do… and the other people involved are also responsible for what they say and do; if someone gives consent and changes their mind, they have the right to withdraw the consent and take it back… no questions asked..it is our responsibility to speak to our truth…and it is the responsibility of the other individual involved to respect that truth… 

Sometimes all it takes is one conversation to empower an individual and gear them with knowledge, so start with your children by reading books or YouTube the best ways to introduce the topic of consent to them… the solutions are simple but sometimes we choose to complicate them because we are too comfortable playing by the rules of society. We need to cut that chord, there is nothing that goes against culture when you teach children what their body parts mean, what is violation and the importance of their truth, if anything it is “Jahel” when we don’t.. 

Podcast link: https://open.spotify.com/episode/11skc8xeG1hknvqzJaDsWQ?si=ojMT_zfmTYumFzFWRh0L2w 

The conversation about Monogamy started last year in a job interview in one of the clinics in Amman, the psychiatrist asked me “do you think we are born monogamous?” I can’t remember if I answered yes or no but down the line I ended up having a couple of clients that struggled with desire and passion in their marriage and were considering ending their marriage… and it got me thinking: are we really meant to mate with one person for life?  

Lets quickly cover the terms that have the word “monogamy” in them: Monogamy is being with one partner and not having multiple partners at the same time, there is consensual non-monogamy which means agreeing with your partner to be with more than one partner, this could include swinging, threesomes (or more) an open relationship and polyamory..and there is the non-consensual non-monogamy which means someone is with more than one partner without the other partners consent, sometimes the partner is aware of it but hasn’t consented to it, or is unaware of their partners extra sexual activities outside the relationship agreement…. hence it is non-consensual non-monogamy. 

I know that many people have been in monogamous relationships, especially couples from the older generation… but the question then escalated to “But did they want to remain together for so many decades or did they not have a choice?”

We know that relationships are difficult to maintain, if you’ve listened to my previous episodes you’ve heard me say that the average lifeline for ‘passion and desire’ in a relationship can last anywhere between 3 months to 2 years…that’s usually the time when we are fired up and completely into our partners…but what happens after that? Where does it leave desire and commitment? I believe that committing to be with one person is a decision and not a feeling, because our feelings change whereas a commitment has the intention to be honored.

Some individuals can love one individual but not be able to be with one person only, this is called non-monogamy…because the truth is Monogamy is not for everyone … . If a couple choose to be non-monogamous there needs to be an agreement between the initial couple on what non-monogamy looks like, the agreement includes what they are allowed to do physically and sexually with others, where and when they are allowed to be involved with other partners, and IF emotions can be involved or not… In monogamous relationships these agreements are never discussed or mentioned because the couple aren’t open to being with other individuals.

But let me tell you a little bit about my “aha” moment… I was telling my friend that I had a change of heart and that I don’t think we are born to be monogamous… it’s hard… and today…it’s even harder for this generation to maintain a relationship in comparison to the previous generation… and she put it simply to me by saying, “There is a difference between loving and being with one person for the rest of our life… and between loving and being with one person (one person at a time)  … both are monogamy”…. and this made me realize how even I sometimes become narrow thought and limit instead of expanding my vision.

Now lets quickly branch out to reasons why individuals choose to be with or without someone…I was asked, what do you call someone who loves an individual but doesn’t want to be with them? Can they really love someone and let them go or watch them be with someone else? 

I think each experience is different, sometimes individuals are not ready emotionally, financially or mentally to commit, sometimes individuals aren’t compatible intellectually, socially and so on…. and sometimes they don’t love an individual enough to choose them.

We are people in the end and we are allowed to feel unsure or scared..fear of relationships and commitments is real … But there is a difference between love and relationship/marriage.. sometimes the situation feels bigger than the individuals that it is difficult to take that step… I used to believe that if you love someone you would move mountains for them…but as I grew older I realized that I can love someone but also evaluate the impact of what being with them would be:

• Would they treat me the way I deserve to be treated? 
• Would they show up maturely and honestly in the relationship? 
• How would they should up for themselves before they show up for me and the relationship? 

That’s my quick take on monogamy and why we chose to commit or not commit…

Podcast Link on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7GX3zw8gCYaODltZGfLEQO?si=96vw9W1_RwmQbRA979PrJw